Thursday, April 2, 2015

The ongoing repercussions of minimizing childhood trauma in a person’s life and relationships.


Childhood trauma and neglect are the principle barriers to a person being able to individuate and separate (emotionally) from the person’s parents. Individuating and separating from our parents is a normal phase of human development, necessary for a child to grow to full adulthood emotionally and establish healthy boundaries between his/her self and the parents.  

In “normal” child centered homes, adolescents are allowed to do this.  The parents put the emotional needs of the child first so that the children are free to have a childhood that is centered around self discovery, and exploring the world in which they live.  This enables them to flourish as adults because they have a core sense of security and “belonging.”

In dysfunctional homes (alcohol centered, deprivation centered, co-dependent parents) the children assume the role of emotional caregivers for the parents, who (usually) themselves did not individuate and separate, so they remain “adult children.”  This deprives the children of their own childhood because they become emotionally responsible for the parents well being at a very early age.  

This also makes the children (and the adults when they grow up) very easy to control.  The child/person is afraid of their anger, so they cannot use it to protect themselves when they are being assaulted, emotionally or even physically.  Instead of feeling natural and appropriate anger and acting upon it, the person feels internally conflicted, and often re-directs the anger inward on his/her self.  This is one of the principle causes of depression in our culture.

NOTE:  The names and some details have been changed in this story to maintain confidentiality.  I specifically asked permission to share it, and both parties stated they were fine with it.  Both recognize the healing potential for others in their processes.  

I recently had one of those sessions in my office that reminds me of how valuable my life and training has been with regard to working with people and helping them make peace with inner demons.

Frank and Claire have been coming in for about 4 months.   They are early middle aged, each has children from previous (failed) marriages.  Both are in “recovery” in respective (and shared) 12 Step programs.  So they both already have some skills at dealing with themselves.  They came to me because they don’t always get along very well.  Claire often takes “pot shots” at Frank, and Frank’s best coping skill to deal with that is to withdraw and not say much.  

This is a common pattern.  Women are more verbal than men, and tend to want to talk about things.  Men are more comfortable with just doing it.  Ask a man how he does something and unless he has had training at communicating, he feels awkward and embarrassed.  It’s why stuttering is much more common in men, and according to some men, nagging is more common with women.

We have gotten to a place where they can talk to each other better and not feel shame over their differences, not blame themselves and each other so much of the time.

They came in to this particular session reporting “things are better.”  None of us were expecting what happened next.

I felt something “flat” about their emotions, like they were talking at and about each other, but not really experiencing their emotions.

So, I utilized an exercise I learned graduate school (thank you Pincus Gross) in which each person sits very close and directly faces the other person.  I then ask them to maintain eye contact (not a staring contest) and only talk about what they were feeling, not any other beliefs about what was going on.

For some clients this is difficult.  They want to describe the experience, but not actually be in it.  Because Frank and Claire have done 12 Step work, and work with me focusing on the difference between “Beliefs” (cognition, thoughts ABOUT living) versus “Feelings” (the actual experience of what their body is feeling in the moment), it was easy to keep them focused.

As they started, I noted the time, and when things were unfolding.  Most folks start to “cave” in the first few minutes.  They didn’t, but Claire reported feeling “nervous” then “giddy.”  Frank had less to say, just that he felt “scared.”  We went on with this, and I asked them what part of their bodies they were feeling the most.  Frank said his gut, “like a screw in my gut that is tightening.”   I said, “If your gut had a voice, what would it say?”  He said, “I’m afraid.”  We went with that for a while.  He started feeling his social awkwardness, his fear of revealing himself, his feelings of unworthiness, his fears of messing up in this relationship.  It was a personal experience of “When in doubt, don’t.”  

We then moved to Claire, still maintaining mutual eye contact with each other, she said she still felt nervous.  I asked her what part of her body felt the nervousness, she said her shoulders, arms and hands “feel numb.”  

At that point, I knew where to go.  As I stated in an earlier post, we store our EMOTIONAL MEMORIES in our body.  If we are feeling something in our bodies, it is because we are going back to the original trauma, and our body is shutting down so as not to feel that pain (again).

The source of my hunch was (and usually is) if her body has stored pain in her shoulders, arms and hands, it is probably due to some actual pressure on those parts of her in the moments of the original trauma.  

The content can come from many sources, being thrown around in an auto accident, being physically assaulted in a violent manner, witnessing a loved one being assaulted or violated (one’s mother being raped or beaten by a violent man is a frequent one), witnessing violence to a sibling (often that sibling being beaten or raped), etc.

Because Claire had mentioned that her father (please note, not a step-father, her actual biological father) had molested her as a child, I had a good guess that her arms and shoulders were back to the child being held down in bed while her father had his way with her.

So I asked her, “If your shoulders, arms and hands had a voice, what would they say?”  She quickly said, “Leave me alone.”  Her voice was flat, she was still engaged in eye contact with Frank.

I offered, “Close your eyes if that helps.  What else is your body saying?”  She closed her eyes, and her feelings started trickling in.  We moved from “Leave me alone” to “Get off of me” to “I hate you,” each step marked by more emotions attached, and her affect closer to the child (within her) who was being raped.

Frank felt some initial discomfort, he tried to look away, and I silently re-directed him back to his wife, he sat still, watching her, having his own response.

Claire progressed through re-living the molestation(s) which had been a routine and regular part of her childhood.  She moved from “leave me alone” etc to “Why won’t you leave me alone?”  Why do you do this?”  Then she called out to her mother, “I want my mother.  Why isn’t she protecting me?”  

She expressed her puzzlement about the situation, as most children and “adult children” do in the face of trauma.    But she was not expressing any anger at either parent, just questioning (bargaining) with them.  With a little encouragement from me (I asked if she had any anger) she moved to the edge of her anger, saying,  “I hate you.”  

When I asked her who she hated, the answer was predictable, “Myself.” 

I asked her,”How about your mother, your father?  Don’t you have anything to say to them?  

Like most “Adult Children” who are still protecting our parents, at our own expense, she said “No, it’s my fault.  I should be able to protect myself, and I can’t.”  

I then asked her to respond to her parents as if she was an adult and this was happening to one of her own children.  That was when her anger fully kicked in.  She got very aggressive and turned her anger outward, towards her parents, where it should have been directed all these years,  “You’re not protecting me (to her mother).  What kind of mother are you?  You should stop him.”  Her protests to her father changed too, “I don’t feel safe in this house, you are supposed to protect and take care of me.  Instead you do this, what kind of parent are you?”

She then went on to tell both of them that they had failed as parents, that she never felt safe in that home, or any home, or in any relationship, because she was never protected by them.  She specifically connected with how angry she was at her mother for ignoring her fathers behavior.  

Once she had come out the other side and returned to her “adult” we reflected on what she had done, and the awakenings her work had brought to her.   Frank then reflected, and broke down with tears, about his own anger at her having been violated and not protected in her childhood.

The important thing for Claire that was empowering, was connecting with her anger at her parents.  Children protect parents at all costs.  Rather than blame her father or mother, she blamed herself for what was happening.   That’s what children do, all children do it.  What makes a person an “Adult Child” is continuing to protect our parents well into adulthood.  She even reported that many years later when her father was found to be molesting another girl in the family and was arrested, she lied about him because he was old and she didn’t want him to go to jail for his last years of life.  

I explained that while that was “noble”, she also said nothing to the man, or her mother, expressing her additional anger about compromising her integrity to save him.  My  example, “buttonholing” him after and saying “Look you #%#$^, I just covered for your sorry self, you owe me one, you owe all of us one, and if you ever do this again, you will pay dearly.”   

Instead, no anger was expressed at him, boundary was set, no consequences were established.

All of this helped her to realize what had been missing all these years in her recovery and therapy regarding the incest.



The acronym is DABDA.

Claire had been doing what most people in this culture learn, not feeling comfort with one’s anger. 

In a functioning “Child Centered” home, children are allowed to express their anger about injustice without fear of punishment or shaming.  

In a dysfunctional home, the home is not “child centered” but rather centered around the needs of the parents.  This can come from many reasons, and one of the most pervasive in civilization is poverty.  If mere physical survival is the most important thing, then no one is allowed to question the wage earners, and everyone knows that protecting them is the first and only priority.   This includes telling validating and supporting them, even when they are wrong.

 So the outcome is the “cardinal rule of a dysfunctional home,”  don’t feel,  don’t talk about feelings (especially anger), no matter what.

So Claire stuffed her anger so that the family could survive, because life without a wage earning man was unthinkable, her mother (who was herself an incest survivor) could not confront her fathers behavior.  

Claire had spent years coming out of her denial about the incest, and could talk about it (cognitively) without much discomfort, but also without any emotions.  So she had worked through the “Denial” phase.  

But she jumped right over “Anger” for a variety of reasons, all of which she rationalized in her ongoing “Bargaining” phase, which had more or less defined her coping mechanisms regarding the incest, and much of the rest of her life, including her relationships.

While she remained in this palpable emotional nether world, using being “giddy” to express most of her emotions, she also nit picked at virtually all who loved her, and functioned in relations in a co-dependent manner.  She could provide, entertain, manipulate and deflect.  But actually trusting someone and letting them in was impossible.  She was stuck in the “I can’t trust anyone, the people who say they that they love and care for me are raping me and not protecting me.  So I know not to believe anyone who says they love me.”  

If she felt Angry, she would Bargain it back to taking responsibility for the incest because that way she could have the illusion of control.  This obsession with care taking and controlling formed the core of all of her relationships because she could not access her anger.

Anger is the emotion we are given to protect ourselves from being assaulted.  It is a necessary tool in protecting ourselves, AND cleaning out the residues that trauma leaves in our lives.  

When we are not comfortable with using our anger, expressing it, to set healthy boundaries, we ALWAYS become depressed.

Until we can access our anger about a traumatic situation or loss, our EMOTIONS remain stuck in that moment.  So for Claire, she was constantly feeling un-safe and being raped, in any and all situations involving persons who she perceived had power over her, including her husbands.  

So when Claire FINALLY moved into feeling her anger about her childhood, the bargaining stopped, and after years of also being depressed, she is finally starting to move into the acceptance phase of grieving her very very messed up childhood.

I see this over and over again, people who stay stuck in Bargaining for years, decades, and wonder why they are still held hostage by certain situations and people, almost always their parents (or parent) and or other caregivers.  It applies to other trauma too.  For example, all refugees have pain about their departure from their homeland.  Until they can process their fear and anger, they remain stuck in that place of terror about their safety.

We did a lot of “connecting the dots” closing, her realizing all the observations made about her as a child, sitting quietly with her head down and her arms over her abdomen at most family and public events.  The excuses she made for her parents, always at her own expense.  Her blanket mis-trust of any relationship that she could not be in control of.  Her constant fears of not being good enough.  Frank echoed that one himself, from his own childhood, which did not contain incest, but was defined by emotional neglect.

And ultimately, being able to do this work with Frank (which is why FAMILY THERAPY is so powerful) present cemented their relationship in ways that no solo counseling experience could have done.  They are now full partners.  Most of their secrets and fears about their worthiness died in that session.

Lastly (regarding these issues) it is very difficult to impossible to have a healthy intimate relationship until a person has completed individuation and separation from one’s own parents.  If we are not emotionally free of our parents, and able to easily use our FULL EMOTIONAL RANGE to engage a partner as an equal, we will have problems because our primary relationship is still with our parents.  We continue to live in their emotional “shadow” even if they are long gone.  This is what Frank and Claire came to understand and FEEL in themselves and each other.  

I hope you find this valuable in your own recovery.  Most clients who explore and make peace with their childhood trauma and deprivation eventually come to realize that their parents were also traumatized and deprived, often even more than the client was.  They remained stuck in their trauma, and by doing so, unconsciously passed it on to their children.

But the necessary key to full recovery is feeling “good” about being angry, expressing that anger about the trauma and deprivation, and being comfortable with utilizing anger (in appropriate ways) to protect ourselves from further trauma and deprivation in life.  This is the essence of developing self esteem and self empowerment.  

1 comment:

  1. So Amazing ED - Thanks so much for sharing. I got alot out of this. Your skill and intuition in dealing with these clients was incredible. I learned a lot from reading this and appreciate you sharing it with us.

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