Sunday, March 1, 2015

We Are Thinking Ourselves Crazy

We Are Thinking Ourselves Crazy


The classic idea of “Mental Health” is a situation where a person is able to easily integrate our emotional selves and our intellectual selves.  We have many ways of expressing each aspect of life, “Trust your gut” is one way of elevating our emotions, “Use your head” is another way of elevating our intellect.  

In our current world, we have created a paradigm in which the only model we have for conflict resolution is academic debate.  Each side presents their best argument, the person (or team) with the most logical argument (which often means the stronger facts) wins the debate.  The problem is, someone has to lose, and in our culture, no one likes to lose.  In our very competitive society, losing equates to poverty and shame.

In my work with clients, I see this over and over again.  Couples come to me as if I am a judge who can declare the winner, and then magically, the person with the weakest reasoning will be instantly changed. Individuals come to me, filled with logical reasoning as to why they have a problem, and an equally logical solution to their problems.  They just need “strategies” to carry out those solutions.

In the “shrink” profession, most of us realize that “strategies” are rarely the “cure.”   People come into therapy because their feelings and intellect are no longer working as a team.  This usually happens because of trauma that has been minimized or “forgotten.”  Much of the time, they grew up in homes and families that taught them very systematically to ignore how they were feeling about things going on in their homes and families. 

The defining rule of a functional family is one in which people feel encouraged to share their feelings with other family members.  We are social beings.  We need human interaction to develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  If free and open interaction is encouraged, we grow and flourish in all of these areas of our humanity, including the ability to acknowledge all of our emotions and our intellect to respond to them in a productive manner.


THE DEFINING RULE of a “Dysfunctional Family” is:  

 “DON’T FEEL

DON’T TALK ABOUT FEELINGS

 NO MATTER WHAT.”

People who grow up in dysfunctional families learn at a very early age that no one is interested in their emotions.   Often they are shamed, or punished for expressing that they are having feelings.   If there is trauma attached to emotions, people just shut down.   Just today in my office, the younger son was telling his mother that the reason he had not told her about the bullying he was experiencing at school was because he knew how busy she is with work and a new toddler.  So he kept it to himself, but was also acting out in other ways he was not aware of, such as picking fights with his older brother, and ignoring her when she wanted him to do change his behavior.

Ironically, most dysfunctional families usually “look good” from the outside.  That is because the rule in the family is so pervasive to keep up appearances no matter what.   

People often assume that drama and chaos are dysfunctional, but in fact, life is both dramatic and chaotic.  Being able to comfortably talk about the drama and chaos, and how we feel about it, without fear of judgement or punishment is normal.

When we shut off our feelings, our thoughts take over, and they quickly become obsessive.  

Our school system deeply encourages this.  We don’t learn to feel in school, we learn to think.  We are taught in many different ways that our emotions are not valued, only our academic performance matters.  Only our ability to think in an organized and competitive manner is important.  

As we progress through learning the Scientific Method for resolving problems, and academic debate for solving differences, we quietly build within us an internal conflict mechanism.  

When fear based rules are imposed, rules so powerful that no one even has to speak them, then the development of the person is thwarted and conflicted.   This is where obsessive thought patterns usually develop.  Since we are not sharing ourselves honestly with those around us, we develop imaginary conversations in our heads.  We imagine what others might be thinking, always most critical of us, and develop these self critical “voices” in our heads.  In 12 Step programs, people refer to this chatter as their “committee.”  

This “chatter” inside of our heads continues because it makes an excellent smoke screen for deeper painful emotions that lurk behind the internal conversation.  Much of the time, these emotions are based in shame and fear.  The two are deeply interwoven.  

If I don’t think I’m worthy, then then I live with internalized shame, and the pervasive fear that my unworthiness will be discovered and I will be shamed even more because now I am both unworthy and a fraud.  

Many people spend a lifetime stuck in this pattern.  The principle symptom, constant chatter in our heads, criticizing, questioning, “Yes But” ing (we in the “shrink” profession call these the “Ya Buts”) and never trusting ourselves, especially our instincts.

If we are trauma survivors, the cycle is even deeper.  We have the “taint” of the trauma swirled into the mix.  The film “Prince of Tides” is an excellent film to illustrate this.  The story is about a Southern family that has an abusive/alcoholic father, a co-dependent mother, and secrets to hide.  The mix proves lethal for one child, and is the source of signifiant misery for the other two children in their adult lives.   We from the South have a special relationship with these issues, but not a unique one.  A psychiatrist friend from the Gulf coast said it best, “The Jews and the Asians have nothing on we Southerners.  Southern culture is both guilt and shame based.”

But most cultures and families survive by keeping secrets, not realizing those secrets are lethal.  In 12 Step programs, another powerful truth circulates, “We are only as sick as our secrets.”

Clients come to me with truckloads of obsessive thoughts, well considered understanding of their issues, they have it all figured out.  I ask them, “Then why are you here?”  The answer is very predictable, “Because I can’t quite get them to work.  I need strategies and tools to be more effective in implementing my solutions.”

I smile internally, and gently (most of the time) begin the work of unraveling their thoughts so they can begin to feel the fear and shame that is lurking behind them.  The findings are fairly predictable, at least emotional abuse and/or neglect, often physical abuse as well.  People who have survived other traumas, class or racial oppression, particularly if they have come from another country, or a part of the United States that is more socially rigid.  It is impossible to deal with these issues without considering race, gender, social class, etc.  

One of the things we discuss are the five stages of loss and grief, as identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  While we tend to think of them only in terms of the original study issue "Death and Dying" they are also contextual to all of the "little deaths" we experience in our lives.  The loss of a parent through separation, death or divorce, failed love affairs or marriages, not getting a lover or a job that we have pinned our hopes upon, etc, etc, etc.  Life is filled with disappointments and pain. 


Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance  

The problem is, we have to work through all of them and if we come from a dysfunctional family we have great difficulty with Anger.  So we get stuck there, often for a lifetime.

People can spend a lifetime processing pain and anger by rationalizing and explaining these events and situations, “normalizing” them to sanitize the pain so we won’t feel the anger.  In the process, we turn down, or off, almost all other feelings.  When a feeling does pop out of our bodies into our heads, it is immediately put into the “Ya But” machine where it is either shredded, or comes out the other side so sanitized and re-structured that it rarely translates into action.  Instead it becomes a part of the “Ya But” machine, and a part of the rationalization structure, feeding both fear and shame.  In 12 Step it is called “The Paralysis of Analysis.”

The original definition of Schizophrenia was (and is) the separation of emotions and intellect to the extent that the person becomes incapable of integrating the two so that they can function in life.

Although most of us don’t meet the full clinical measures of Schizophrenia, we spend a lot of time in a place that has schizophrenic elements, ignoring our feelings, and arguing with ourselves in our heads.

This “chatter” keeps us from having clarity in our lives.  The most recent issue of “Psychology Today” has an article about how calming our thoughts, becoming less “focused” (if not taking some time every day to un-focus) is essential to gaining clarity in life.  

In the movie “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” ("loosely" based on the story of Tina Turner) Tina goes to a friend for help.  Her friend, also from an abusive childhood and having had abusive relationships, has become a Buddhist and meditates by chanting every day.  She is meditating when Tina arrives.  She invites Tina to join her, saying that chanting is (for her) the path to clarity and understanding her life.

I use a few metaphors to describe that place of being paralyzed in thought.  “Holding one’s breath” (for years on end), “Hovering” is another, “Paralysis” can also work as a metaphor to illustrate the state of being emotionally frozen.  

So while our emotions are “stuck,” our head is spinning constantly, analyzing, worrying, rationalizing and other processes that make sleep, or even relaxation possible.    People say they are “stressed” or “anxious” and they are usually caught in obsessive thought patters, trying to hold on to beliefs that are the strongest part of their internal “chatter.”  

I often have to stop clients mid sentence to get them to actually listen to themselves.  It’s like they have put in a recording they made decades ago and have hit “play.”  They no longer have any emotional attachment to what they are saying.  It’s just chatter.  So I cut them off, which encourages them to actually listen to what they are saying.

The work of unraveling our chatter and gaining clarity cannot be done intellectually.  We cannot think or read our way to clarity (self help books can be the worst, though some do provide insights that are helpful).  The best work is done with the parallel processes of private meditation or prayer, combined with regular interactions with a person who is honest enough to tell us their truthful experience of being with us, not some polite lie that supports our B.S.  This is the role a good therapist, or sponsor in a 12 Step Program can provide.  They are not exclusive, but the relationships do need to be based in honesty.

And that person should be secure enough to handle our anger, because until it comes out, we cannot be healed.  This is not talking ABOUT our anger.  That is just part of the bargaining stage, and while socially acceptable, it is not very effective at healing.  This clip from the film "Passion Fish" is an excellent example of how the character May Alice finally comes to terms with having had her back broken in a car accident.  It takes her over a year, and a very honest companion Chantel, who is not afraid of dealing with hard emotions (she's having some of her own).  Once the anger comes out, May Alice can move forward.

Some simple tools you can use to free yourself from obsessive thought patterns is learn to accurately introduce comments about your thoughts as “I believe” and comments about feelings as “I feel.”  Most people discuss their beliefs with the “I feel” introduction.  This is very confusing and contributes to being “stuck.”  

A belief is described with a sentence, which is a complete thought.  It recounts either historical information, “I believe the reason my car wouldn’t start was because I left my lights on all night” or projections about the future “I believe the battery in my car is old and I should get a new one before it leaves me flat.”

Feelings only exist in the here and now.  So an accurate use of “I feel” might be, “I feel angry because my car is dead.”  I feel angry at myself for leaving the lights on.”  And later, “I feel safer now because I bought a new battery.”

Start noticing how you use “believe” and “feel” in your language.

The other tool you can use is to use “I” when you are talking about your life and experiences.  We are taught in school to use “third person” in writing.  We are taught to use “second person” (you) when we are talking about ourselves so we won’t appear conceited or selfish.  The problem is, it can become a distancing tool so that we don’t feel our emotions when we are describing our experiences to others.  So in describing the above situation, one might say, “Well, you know when you leave your lights on and the next morning your car won’t start, and then you find out the battery was old and now you have to buy a new one.”  Read this out loud, and then try this one out loud, “I left the lights on in my car and ran down the battery.  The next day my car wouldn’t start, and I found out that the battery was old and I needed to buy a new one.”

Notice how you feel when you read each one.  Our lives do not exist in a second or third person abstract.  Our lives are real, and filled with emotions and thoughts.  Acknowledging and processing both brings all sorts of mental and physical health benefits.

These simple tools will help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.  And they will make your therapists job easier if you choose to go for therapy.  

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